You wait until they are gone again. \n\nYou look at the second pack. \n\nThe current dizzy and woozy and mounting pain at the right side does not disuade. \n\nYou open it. \n\n[[One. Two. Three. Four.|sleepy]]
The combined eight pills do their work. \n\nIt doesn't feel so bad, really. Just makes you immensely sleepy. \n\nSo you give in and lay down. \n\nHoping you don't [[wake up|wakeup]] again.
Not sure what made you think it. This seriously, at least, this decidedly. \n\nWas it the [[work|work]]? \nWas it the [[writing|writing]]? \nWas it the [[pill|pill]]? \nWas it all three? \n\nWhatever it was, you take out the [[pack|packs]].
Strangely, though, you still do the work. \n\nDizzily and dazedly and woozily and nauseously and pain-at-right-side-ly. \n\nBecause, strangely, you don't want to people to worry about you. Not while there is work to do. \n\nThey can [[worry|missing]] later.
And all the while you are dizzy and woozy, you work. \n\nAnd while you work, the brain screams. \n\nYou will miss this. You will miss thinking and solving. You will miss helping people. \n\nYou will miss it. After all. \n\nThis is the same brain that made you do the deed. \n\nIt makes no sense. It does make sense. \n\n"You don't look too well." \n\nAm okay. [[You say|pack2]]. \n\n
You wait until people at work are gone, up or down or away. Just...anywhere else but with you. \n\nThen you take them. \n\n[[One. Two. Three. Four.|okay]]
It wasn't their fault, really. \n\nThe story was written tiredly, roughly, badly...something like that. \n\nIt was no surprise it was not accepted. \n\nStill, it drives the mind to think: \n\nYou are hopeless, useless, worthless. \n\nSo you think. So you look at the [[pack|Start]].
But you do. \n\nShit. \n\n[[Damn it all.|awake]]
You've taken the pill on the sly. \n\nNot -that- kind of pill. The other kind. The kind that keeps you sane, keeps you from crashing into uselessness in a life that demands you be useful. \n\nNo one knows. No one needs to know. \n\nYou have been warned that such things mess with the brain. \n\nYou never listened. \n\nSo you look at the [[pack|Start]]. \n\n
And you don't want to try again. You don't want to take more, despite the knowing. \n\n[[You don't know why.|curiosity]]
You don't remember how you know the information. \n\nFever pills. Safe things. But enough of them can do major damage. Liver failure sufficient to take down the whole system. \n\nYou wanted to do [[major damage|damage]].
The pills don't take long. \n\nSoon you feel dizzy and woozy. \n\n"Are you okay?" \n\nYou smile. \n\n[[Yeah|worry]].
You do have fever pills. You have two packs. \n\nGenerally you have that many for pain relief. Because things hurt. \n\nAnd no one questions someone having [[fever pills|fever]]. The way people question or look at you weirdly when you have uppers or downers.
And you stay awake. \n\nAnd you manage to stay awake. \n\nAnd get home. \n\nTo people who love you. Who will never know what you did. \n\nYou will miss the good cooking, the kindness, the warmth, the love. No matter how annoying sometimes. \n\nYou will miss this too. \n\n[[Shit.|limit]] \n
It's not a decision, or a choice, really. Just a curiosity, if nothing else. After the possibility of not seeing the next day, of knowing what that next day will have. \n\nTo see the [[next|next1]] day.
pack\n
The work could have been worse, much worse. \n\nThe people could have been worse, much worse. \n\nYou know this. Your brain reminds you of this. Other people remind you of this. \n\nAnd yet the days when the work and the people and the life overwhelms. \n\nIt overwhelms. \n\nYou look at the [[pack|Start]].
And you are still here. \n\nAnd you're not sure why. \n\n[[Or if it matters.|knowing]] \n\n
And when the chemical buzz has....annoyingly....stopped causing your head to swirl so much and your right side to hurt so much, you hit the net. \n\nAnd you find that you just hit the absolute limit of safe. \n\nDammit. \n\nSo stupid of you. \n\nYou hate yourself for being so stupid. You hate your brain for being so [[contradictory|stillhere]]. \n\n
And the [[next|next2]].
And the next. \n\nSomeday it might make sense. \n\n\n\n\n\nEND
EK